may 31, 2008
letting go (participant in project by ashley neese)

(reflections on the experience)

if i am part of the ocean
then letting go is giving
there is no washing away, no rejection
no turning away from this aliveness for which i am so grateful

the water is astoundingly transparent
it becomes only movement
gently touching my feet, it reminds me that i’m part of this wonderously uncertain experience

i join the waves as they illustrate the impermanence of each moment
tracing them with a stick in the sand
appreciating the impossibility of such a drawing
somehow this act provides a buffer between me and the overwhelming awareness of constant death and rebirth
as if saying, “i know… but i still want to be here in this moment. i still want to create and experience this.”
the ocean accepts my futile marks without judgment

my finger created letter-shaped wells in the gritty sand
there is the present moment, a creative act, wonder
the body of the present moment dissolves into the past, transformed by loss
the water that immediately materializes in the letters is like the sorrow i feel
the boundless ocean behind me roars, “this is how great i am. this is how profound.”

the letters spelled out a mystery, “that which keeps me from you”
i don’t know what it is
i don’t know what anything is
but for a chance to be with you
i am willing to ask for help
with acceptance, with gratitude, i released this to the ocean, to all that is and is not, back to myself